10 Facts About Lord Gonchar*

1. Some kids piss their name in the snow. Lord Gonchar can piss his into concrete.

2. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Lord Gonchar can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.

3. Lord Gonchar’s calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Lord Gonchar.

4. Lord Gonchar counted to infinity – twice.

5. Lord Gonchar’s tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

6. Lord Gonchar can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

7. Lord Gonchar was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

8. Superman owns a pair of Lord Gonchar pajamas.

9. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Lord Gonchar says its beef, then it’s fucking beef.

10. Lord Gonchar once won a game of poker holding just a Joker, a Get Out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

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*Not only do I still find great amusement in the old ‘Chuck Norris Facts’ thing, I find them even more amusing if I put Lord Gonchar in the place of Chuck Norris.