You might remember, it was over two years ago now that I went nuts and started requesting every crappy catalog that I could remember from my childhood. I’d be lying if I said quickly browsing them wasn’t a guilty pleasure. I got tons of them and surprisingly, many just kept coming…and coming…and coming. I thought I’d be safe when we bought the house and moved, but lo and behold, I found a Walter Drake catalog staring me in the face when I checked the mail yesterday. I finally got a chance to look through it this afternoon and it’s full of the usual things that only shut-ins and the elderly buy. One notable exception is that they sell dildos and vibrators now (nonreturnable, mind you – who knew grandma and the weird lady at the end of the street had it in them…literally)

But it was until this evening that my wife found the mother of all craptastic catalog items – The Long Reach Comfort Wipe

I mean, wow! Like holy fucking shit wow! I realize that my life had no meaning before this. This creates so many more questions than answers for me. I don’t even know where to begin with such ridiculous greatness.

All I can imagine is the family making the reluctant visit to great grandpa’s house and little Billy complaining the whole way because it’s so boring there and it smells funny and Grandpa always has saurkraut flavored candies. After a while there, Billy uses the bathroom and finds this thing and comes out swinging it like a sword and making Lightsaber noises, “Zhroooommmmmm Mrooooommmmm” like a kid would do. And Grandpa, all unfazed and ornery would simply bark,

“Billy, put down Grandpa’s wipin’ stick!”

It’s like a little slice of heaven in my mind. Mmmmm.