personal - Lord Gonchar

Please allow me to introduce myself, I'm a man of wealth and taste.

Home Is Where Your Feet Are

I was just messing around with Google maps digging up all the places we’ve lived over the years. I had some rough dates and was easily able to pinpoint our moves to the monthly level. It made for an interesting map.

When I was a kid, I lived in the same house from a few months before my 4th birthday until I moved in December of the year I turned 18. That was 20 years ago this month. I lived in that house for 179 months – just shy of 15 full years.

In the 20 years since I moved out of my parents house I’ve moved 17 times if you count the short stays at hotels when we’d make big moves. If you ignore those month-long stays and just count it as part of the moving experience then I’ve moved 13 times. Of those moves two were short stints back to the parents for a total of 3 months. Those moves take place over 6 different cities/areas.

We bought this house three years ago and as of this month, it’s the longest I’ve lived at one address since leaving home as a kid. In April, the Dayton area will serve as the area I’ve spent the most time since then.

I guess for us this area has slowly become home. Both my wife and I were born and raised in western PA. Different areas, but still western PA. My daughter still identifies with western PA to a small degree. She was born there, although I doubt she remembers it as we moved when she was about a year and a half old. But we returned in 2003 and stayed until we headed out here in 2006. She’s 14 now, but she was 8 when we moved here. She was a third grader starting at her third school in 4 years. My son however, pretty much knows this area as home. He was born in Jacksonville, FL. We left there before he was two months old. When we came to Dayton he was just 4. He’s 10 now. It’s all he knows. The only school he’s ever gone to is the one he’s at now.

It probably seems crazy to move around that much, but I don’t think it was bad. It’s easy to get complacent and jumping around as much as we did for so long kept it exciting. We generally followed the opportunity first and foremost. Now that the kids are older, the focus has shifted more towards stability. When you’re the ages of my kids, moving would suck balls. However, I do think all the moving when they’re younger is good. They see a lot of things, meet a lot of different people – generally learn to be adaptable.

We don’t really have a hard, concrete plan looking ahead. The general goal is to try to stay here until the kids are adults…which means 8 more years for the youngest to hit 18. Realistically 9 for him to finish school. After that, who knows? Suddenly, we’re not quite as tied down any more. Possibilities are endless…except for Florida. Florida is the worst. We’ve gone twice and couldn’t wait to escape both times.

At any rate, it’s weird to think I’ve spent more time in this house than anywhere else I’ve lived since that house I spent my childhood in. Even if we do stay here another 9, that puts us up to 12. I wonder if I’ll ever live at one address as long as I lived with my family in that house as a kid?

Don’t Overthink It

A while back, Jeff posted this. Recently, Carrie responded with this. It got me to thinking and I felt I wanted to add something, but all I came up with was this:

Interesting.

I think being ‘self-aware’ more often than not borders (or crosses into) what I tend to feel is overthinking things. And when you’re overthinking things, you’re over-complicating them.

That’s not to say there isn’t ever a time and place for that kind of processing, but I’m not sure it’s a regular part of the flow.

I tend to trust general instinct – and either I’m too stupid to know it doesn’t work or it does. And if it does, maybe it’s just an innate ability to do that same kind of processing without being so ‘self-aware’ about it? Which would mean that in the big picture it is a necessarily part of the flow, I guess. So who knows?

And by general instinct, I mean I don’t need many periods of reflection or sorting out thoughs, ideas, situations and things. Am I too dumb to know I’m not as happy and my situation not ideal as can be or am I smart enough to understand that it’s never going to be perfect and worrying about wringing every last ounce out of it is a perpetual excercise in frustration?

Which leads me to an interesting observation I made long before this conversation. Compared to my online circle of influence, I’m a balls out impulsive, just go-for-it type. But compared to my real-world (you know what I mean) circle of influence, I’m an overthinker – very precise and thought out. Not sure what that means or if it matters, but it’s always been interesting to me. And if I think back, it seems I’ve always held two circles of influence like this – even when “real world” was all that there was. I wonder what that says about me?

November 3rd, 2011 - discussion - insight - personal - perspective

Age, Life, Parenting, Being Stupid

Jeff just posted something on his blog that made me chuckle:

It’s also a pretty good time to be a parent. I just can’t imagine starting a family ten years ago.

It made me chuckle because every time he posts something about his little guy on his blog or Facebook I find myself going, “No way in hell at this age.” The funny thing is that I don’t think I can name many of our friends (any?) that had kids in their 20′s. We were the first – by a long shot in many cases. I wouldn’t change it for the world.

We did it old school. I know the new trend is waiting until later in life. It’s an interesting dynamic. As his post mentions, you’re a pretty different person at 25 than at 40. I think that I think the 25 year old is a better match to what raising a kid is all about. I can’t imagine how different I’d be with a small child now than I was 14 years ago. I’d literally raise a whole different kind of kid, I think…and I’m not sure it’d be better…or worse…just different. Seems there’s a different relationship between a child & a parent who is 40 and a relationship where a parent is 25. I not sure I know how to describe or quantify it or that I’m going to try, but there’s certainly a different dynamic. Even on a fairly superficial level – a child born to younger parents goes on the journey with them. Establishing a life, resources, security along the way. They’re there for the trip. Kids to older parents are born into a situation where that all has been locked down. Things like that – it’s a totally different situation to put a tiny human into on a lot of levels.

He continues with:

I was not well equipped for life at that age, let alone for another life. Again, experience comes into play.

I don’t have that feeling of being ill-equipped or unprepared. I feel like I’ve always been ready and handled it and passed with flying colors. Smug confidence or naive lack of insight? I suppose you could argue either way.

Experience is a whole different beast. You certainly gain experience over those years, the catch is that I’m not sure it applies. While I feel I was prepared for life back then, I was certainly inexperienced compared to now. However, I was pretty experienced then compared to who I was at 18. It’s a sliding scale and at 24 when I had my daughter, I wasn’t as far along as I am now, but I was certainly a long way from zero and – I think – past the line needed to keep from fucking up this little human that was now mine to care for.

I don’t know if the trend to wait until later is a extended youth thing (it feels like today’s childhood drags on far too long) or a general caution to be as prepared as possible in all aspects (I’d argue overprepared) or just a general ‘selfishness’ of sorts where people want those years for themselves…or a combo of the above in some ratio. I’m not gonna knock it. There’s certainly enough people doing it. It’s all good.

I see my friends hitting their late 30′s/early 40′s with preschool aged children and think, “Fuck, they got a long way to go. I’m almost done!” I mean I’m 38 and my youngest is 9. In 9 years, I have two adult children. At 47, I’m free to do whatever I want. I get to live those years that people seem to cash in on the front end these days by waiting for children…and I get to do it with all the experience and resources I could’ve only dreamed of as a kid in my early 20′s.

Now that may seem like the same ‘selfishness’ I throw out as a reason for waiting, but it goes back to the belief that those extra resources and experience being overkill for the parenting gig.

I generally accuse society of overthinking everything these days and maybe it falls into that category. Sometimes you just gotta lead with your balls instead of your head. (feel free to substitute “heart” or “gut” for balls in that line) I’m more of a ‘just do it’ kind of guy…I think. I was laughing with my wife recently. In my circle of real-world friends – the people we’ve known for a long time and who have been there in some capacity over the years, I’m generally the thinker. The one who doesn’t live in the moment. While in contrast, in a newer circle of friends that I’ve sort of gathered as essentially online relationships, I often feel downright impulsive and impetuous. The funny thing was that my wife totally got it.

I like to think I’ve developed a keen sense of when to analyze and when to go all in, balls first, on fire, without checking the depth of the water before I dive. Sometimes you just do it – whether you think you can or not. Hell, sometimes you just do it even if probably shouldn’t. I happen to believe being a parent falls into the latter category. It’s art, not science…and anyone can create art. It takes resources to do science shit.

So yeah, there are my little words of wisdom. They may or may not apply to your life.

July 6th, 2011 - insight - life - personal - perspective

Snooper Weirdness

Earlier tonight I had the urge for cookies. I didn’t want make them and didn’t want to go to the store and buy a bunch. I just wanted a couple of cookies. The kids wanted ice cream. So I figured a quick run to McDonald’s would solve both cravings. At 10pm after being way too interested in a couple of episodes of Sotagre Wars, we through shoes and stuff on and the four of us drove over to the McDonald’s just up the road. We still have a “no food in the new car” rule in effect and figured it’d be fun to get out of the house for a few minutes and sit in McDonald’s and eat ice cream. We got our cookies and ice cream and had fun. We made our way back scanning the XM channels and finding nothing.

Here’s where I should point out that since we got the new car, the old car has been sitting out and the new car goes in the garage. Not sure why we’re not putting both in (still issues with getting comfortable with the fit, I suppose), but when we take the new car, the old car gets parked along the curb right at the end of the driveway by the mailbox. Everytime we return home and turn into the cul-de-sac, I get that quick startled rush of “Who is parked at the house?” because nothing really changes on our little street and it stands out like a sore thumb. It’s happened every single time I make the turn up our cul-de-sac since we’ve been putting the car there.

So tonight I turn in and have that moment when I spot the old car up at the end of the street near our driveway, but also notice another car at the opposite corner of our lot, closest to the turn in to the cul-de-sac. This really caught my attention because at 11pm, cars parked in front of the house are certainly out of place. But it was pretty far down – almost to the next house’s driveway. I chalked it up to company at their place parking there which is not unheard of, but is rare and super rare late at night. Needless to say, the car caught my attention and I looked at it as we approached and passed. It was empty. Which is what sort of solidified my initial guess of neighbor company.

So I continue past our house into the ‘circle’ of the cul-de-sac. Our driveway connects to the circle so essentially pulling into our driveway is like making a u-turn. Come up the street towards the circle at the “6 o’clock” position, hook a hard left and hit the driveway at the “8 o’clock” position. Our mailbox is just to the left of the driveway (when you’re facing it). It’s one of those birck column mailboxes with the actual mailbox built in. The old car gets pulled just past it. Kind of what would be the “7 o’clock” position, if you will. Make sense? Got the visual?

Anyway, I continue past our house into the circle, hit the garage opener, hook the hard left and as hit the driveway and get right next to the mailbox this girl in a black hoodie pops up and starts walking away. She was kneeling behind our mailbox/car. I’m like, “Whoa! What the fuck!?” My wife hadn’t noticed and I’m going, “There’s someone hiding there!” She’s all, “What!?”

I pulled into the garage and she jumps out of the car hitting the ‘lock’ button for the old car on her keychain making the lights flash and horn beep repeatedly as if throwing virtual punches of some kind. Next thing I hear is, “What the fuck are you doing near my car!? Get the fuck away from my car!” (my wife is so badass)

I hear a raspy female voice going, “I know! I know! I’m sorry! I’m sorry. I mean you no harm.” I hesitated a moment as I got out of the car. The kids were still in the back. I had a moment of pause, not sure whether to go out around the garage with my wife and confront the girl or to stay with the kids or what.

The girl went on, “I got into a fight with my grandmother and she called the cops.” She gave her address, which if I remember correctly, was for a house on the other side of the woods behind the house on the main road behind us. (but I’m not entirely sure if I filled in that blank correctly or not, in the confusion no one was taking notes).

She kept talking, “I climbed over the fence and I’m waiting for my ride.” Now that’s interesting because there is an old, rusty wire fence along the top back park of our property that kind of turns to barbed wire and disappears. Barely a fence, really.

While this is happening, I told the kids to get out of the car and got them inside then walked out to my wife.

At the same time, my wife with her cell phone in hand starts dialing 911. The girls goes, “Oh there it is now” and beelines for the car parked at the other end of the yard. My wife tells the 911 people someone was messing around our house but they’re leaving. She hangs up. The girl gets in the passenger side of the car and it takes off and makes a left out of the cul-de-sac.

We’re both like, “What the fuck was that?” She goes over to the car and looks for a minute then unlocks it and I say, “Go try to find them” and she’s like, “Yeah!” and off she goes.

I go back into the garage and grab a flashlight and start looking around. Shining the light into the woods, I noticed I left the shed open when doing some yardwork earlier. I hear a little movement, but nothing that couldn’t have been a critter or something. Still I wasn’t going back in there by myself to lock it up. I pulled out my cell and called my wife who had circled a few of the streets around us, but saw nothing. She was just coming back. I had her high-beam the woods where the shed sits and I went back and locked it up.

She pulled into the driveway and we grabbed flashlights and circled all around the house and yard, but saw nothing and nothing looking particularly out of the ordinary. Satisfied that whoever was there was all gone, we realized we left the kids in the house alone, closed up the garage and came in and looked around the house just to be sure.

I have to admit it was a little unnerving and pretty fucking weird. It doesn’t sound like much, but the 10 minutes of that confused rush was really crazy.

We settled down and tried piecing the weirdness together.

We all agreed the girl was in a black hoodie and my daughter said dressed all in black. My wife saw her the most and said her hair was either blond or very light brown and she had light eyes and was scared shitless at being conforonted and was shaking. He tone of voice sounded as much to me from the garage. She would have put her in her mid-20′s age wise which suprised me because from the rapsy quality of the voice, I’d have said grizzled 40-something. But I didn’t see her well. I would have called her blond from what I did see.

As for that car, I’d put the percentage at 90% to 95% that it was empty when we pulled up the road. I’m pretty damn sure someone wasn’t reclined or ducking. We both agreed that it was a small black (dark colored?) Toyota car – based solely on the emblem on the car. Neither of us thought quickly enough to get the plate number…and that pisses me off the most.

What scares me the most is that if the car was empty (and like I said 90% to 95% sure it was) and the girl got in the passenger side when it took off, who else was there and where were they as we pulled in and confronted the girl?

If I’m remembering the address she gave correctly, the fight-and-left story sort of adds up right until she hides behind our mailbox/car as we pull up our street. Why would she be hiding from cars if she was waiting for a ride? The psoition she was in would have been a perfect hiding place for anybody coming up the cul-de-sac with the sole exception of us coming home. And why would she leave a main road, cut through the small woods and wait for a ride on a small, side cul-de-sac? And why didn’t she see the car that was supposedly her ride sitting there before we pulled up? The car was clearly parked and turned off and empty when we pulled in. Why would her ‘ride’ be empty waiting for her?

I dunno. Something doesn’t add up. I generally don’t get wigged by much, but the whole thing felt “off” to us. So her I sit at 2:30am putting these thoughts down so I don’t lose them and sharing the story. I did turn all the outdoor lights on and closed up the windows and turned the air conditioner on. Don’t know why. If anything the moment you confront someone suspicious and they bail, is probably the time there’s the least chance that someone is nosing around outside.

I jokingly told my wife I think it was adisgruntled Meijer employee because earlier today I filled out one of those survey things they print on the bottom of receipts and ripped them a new one because they’ve fallen so hard. You have to add you name and address on those before you submit them. Clearly it was a disgruntled deli employee with a grudge.

I think I’ll stay up extra late tonight, just to be safe.

June 26th, 2011 - crap - home - personal - weird - yikes

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