Last week we zipped down to West Palm for Rebecca & Jeph’s wedding. We ended up flying out of Columbus and into Ft. Lauderdale because of stupid-low fares and direct flights – always a good combo…even with the short drives before and after the flights. The flight down was sweet – a half empty plane, a pilot who got us there early and the on-board XM tuned to Hair Nation. Made for a pleasant evening flight. We grabbed a shuttle and got our rental car. Got saddled with a Ford Focus – huge trunk but otherwise one of the worst cars I’ve ever driven. I forgot how crazy the highways in South Florida can be. I have to admit to liking the speed involved. My 85 seems conservative at 10pm on I-95 heading between Lauderdale and West Palm. (You’re in West Plam Beach, baby! Squak!)

We got to the hotel and met up and said a few hellos before going back to our room and deciding we were hungry. The only things open and close were a Wendy’s drive-thru, IHOP and Denny’s. We opted for Denny’s and were the only ones in the place with the exception of our 75 year-old waitress (not a guess, she told us at one point), the cook and a dishwasher/busboy. Standard Denny’s fare. Back to the room and we crashed after a long Wednesday.

On Thursday we were up bright and early. With so many places we’d be stopping by due to various wedding activities each goody bag had directions included, but I don’t like directions unless I do them myself. My years of traveling by car have honed my instinct for going the right way to an uncanny degree and my almost-supernatural ability to print directions from Google and visualize (and remember) the map and directions make me a pretty efficient traveler. I know it’s a total throwback in the day of low-cost GPS everywhere you go, but even on the cheap, I wouldn’t use it enough to justify the cost. The few times I have needed it, I’ve used the verizon Navigator thingy on my phone…and in all these years still haven’t even come close to paying for a cheap GPS unit – let alone a decent one.

With that said, I decided to live and die by the VZ Navigator app. It’d only be about $10 and it just might make our time in Florida a little more interesting. We wanted to start by swinging by their (Rebecca & Jeff’s) new house so I punched in the address and soon the phone lady (as I referred to the GPS voice the entire trip) was leading the way. She got us there problem free. But that’s when we realized they lived in a gated community and hadn’t yet informed the folks manning the gate that they’d be having guests over the course of the next few days. We were denied and couldn’t get ahold of anyone to tell the bitch at the gate to let us in, so we decided to blow some time elsewhere. I asked the phone lady where we might find a nearby mall and she led us right to the Mall at Wellington Green where we blew a little bit of time and finally got in touch with the soon-to-be-weds and got access to the community.

After a little while at their new house – which was pretty nice, but the whole gated community, subdivision thing done Florida-style really wasn’t my thing…at all – we headed back to the hotel and picked up a bag of clothes and stuff and headed to my brother-in-law’s where my kids would be spending the night. The phone lady got us to their home in Boynton Beach flawlessly and after a short visit we zipped back to the hotel and changed. It was back to Rebecca & Jeph’s for the bridal shower. Yes, I was invited being as I’ve always been one of the girls and because of my mad camera skillz. I hung with the ladies and turned on the charm (I’m quite a charmer) and the evening flew by as the ladies did the stupid things ladies at a bridal shower do and I hung back taking photos and sampling all the sweet eats…multiple times. After the crowd dispersed, the house was left with a mix of good friends both male and female. After calling it a night we headed back to the hotel and enjoyed ourselves by deciding to indulge and each take one of the double beds for the night. Yeah, we’re crazy like that. Not sure if we’re just old, been married to long or our relationship is just that damn healthy (hint: it’s the latter), but it was really nice to stretch out diagonally, get the comfy leg position going and just sleep in an overly air conditioned room.

We had to be up bright and early on Friday to retrieve the kids (it was a workday afterall) and decide that since we were getting up we might as well make the most of our day before meeting the group again for a pre-wedding barbeque at the house. I definitely wanted to swing by Boomers and Uncle Bernie’s and snag some photos (it’s all about the benjamins) since we hadn’t been there in 5 years. Actually the last time were were in the area was for another wedding in 2004 – my wife’s brother’s wedding. Yes, the same brother (and wife) who took the kids for the evening. Back in 2004 we toyed with the idea of making our triumphant return to South Beach but never did. (when my then future-wife and I first met we took off to Miami together after only knowing each other a few months and actually lived on South Beach back when it was first making a comback as a hot spot) So this time we figured we’d probably have no reason to ever come back so we might as well go do the nostalgia thing while we had the chance.

Phone lady got me to South Beach and once we got off I-95 I immediately flashed back and knew my way around like we had never left. I got us down near the convention center (our apartment was across the street) and we both proclaimed at the same time, “The Hand!”

The Hand (see last entry) is actually a Holocaust Memorial, but we always called it The Hand because it’s a big fucking hand statue. Back when I was a kid with nothing better to do but hang out and waste time on South Beach with no money or car or food or anything, I would hang out at the hand. What can I say? I mean no disrespect to those who suffered or to their memories – it is what it is. (or what it was)

There was this little pathway that was practically hidden that followed a stinky canal right from the hand to 20th street next to the convention center (right across the street from our place) so we parked right down the street from the hand and popped a few quarters in the meter. I had a total nostalgia moment – kind of like one of those old, good memories coming to life before your very eyes. I was very pleased to be visiting the hand again. My kids were like, “WTF is this?” but I smiled a little on the outside and a whole lot on the inside.

We took the path in the unbearable heat… I’ve forgotten to mention the heat up to this point. For the record it’s unbearably hot in South Florida in August around the clock, 24/7, all the time and everywhere. Florida sucks, it smells, it’s scummy, it’s weird and people beg you for money at every intersection. Florida should go away.

Anyway, we took the path to the old apartment and found the building boarded up and fenced off (complete with razor wire). It was bittersweet. The place was pretty nasty 15 years ago and I can only imagine what time had done to it, but it was ugly. My hopes of walking into the ‘courtyard’ area and to the back of the building on the left and up the stairs to apartment 12A were dashed. Still I smiled a little more inside and I know my wife did too. I risked life and limb and raised my camer over the razor wire and snapped a quick pic and we decided we needed to get the fuck out of the heat. We went back to the car and did a little tour of the area seeing what had changed and what was still the same.

After our trip down memory lane, Phone Lady took us north to Boomers where the arcade had people, but the rides outside were a ghost town. I paid $14 and change for myself and the kids to take a spin on the Hurricane. Still great airtime, but it was a lot rougher than I remember it being in 2004. I wanted to take pics and I did, but nothing great when rides are just sitting there empty. A few kids did happen to ride the Hurricane right when I was standing there along the road ready to leave so I got 3 quick shots.

We zipped over to the Swap Shop and Uncle Bernie’s with no intentions to do anything but grab some quick photos and get the hell out. The place was WAY nastier than I remember and the crowd was suspect at best. Not a soul to be found in the park, but I took some shots of the empty rides and we got the fuck out of Dodge.

We got back to the hotel and were beat after our early morning and long day in the sun. But it was time for quick showers, wardrobe changes and off to the BBQ. Again a good time with good food, but we slipped out early and crashed hard back at the hotel.

On Saturday our plan was to spend the late morning/early afternoon at the brother-in-law’s for a lunch date of sorts before swing back and getting ready for the wedding (again, I was asked to play unofficial photographer) and we wanted to show up early. Phone lady got us to the venue without a hitch (Thank you, Phone Lady.) and we made our way through the manned gate (what is with all the gated things?) with no problem.

Again I spent time with the girls as they prepared for the ceremony. I took exclusive, behind-the-scenes photos. The wedding was nice and the reception was banging (for lack of a better, more accurately descrptive term) and a good time was had by all.

Sorry for the lack of detail, but it was a wedding. You know what happens and even if you’re curious, I lack the skills to give a play-by-play of two people exchanging vows. The couple was disgustingly attractive and our little Rebecca (we’ve known her almost 13 years – since she was 19 – and you may have seen me refer to her place in our lives as my second wife and our third child in previous blog posts) is officially all grown up. *sniff*

We were up bright and early on Sunday as our flight left around 11am and we had to pack, drive, ditch the car, check in, etc. The flight was full of idiots, but the pilot did the trip in record time getting us to the gate almost a full 30 minutes ahead of schedule. AirTran is cool like that. I dozen on and off with the sounds of channel 41 – Hair Nation in my head and we were on the ground and back home before I knew it. The temperature in Ohio during the afternoon was approximately 25 degrees cooler than the ‘real feel’ temperature in West Plam at 3am the night before…did I mention that Florida blows?

For the record, the GPS thing won me over, but I still don’t see the need beyond the occasional use on the phone. I generally know where I’m going…even when I don’t.