My daughter’s last hermit crab died today. She got three for her birthday in 2005. For the record they smell ridiculously bad when they die. He will be unceremoniously dropped in the trash after she gets home from school and I can inform her of her loss.

When I die, I want it to be a happy occasion. Don’t feel bad for me. Feel bad for yourself if you like, but once I’m dead I’m not going to be sad about it…it’d be physically impossible for me to.

I’ve told my mother since I was something like 15 that when I die I want a funeral procession to ride around town like a wedding procession – everyone honking their horns and flashing their lights. I want to be in a hearse with streamers and cans tied to the bumper and a big “Just Deceased” sign on the back in colorful letters. How great would that be?

Celebrate for me – I win. I got out of the game. Yay for Gonch!

Another great idea* I came up with – kind of, half of the credit has to go to my mother (and yes, I have one of the coolest mothers in the world) – is to buy a huge hourglass and then as family members pass, have them cremated and their remains put into the hourglass. Pass the hourglass through the family from generation to generation with everyone being added as they die.

There’s something very symbolic about an hourglass filled with the ashes of family – the passing of time, eternity together, all that wackiness.

I’m generally cool with death.

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*Note: Do not feel free to rip off my ultra-cool postmortem ideas