All of the houses on our little cul-de-sac have those brick pillar mailbox thingies. Like no one’s mailbox is just on a pole. Everyone has a little brick structure with their mailbox in it. You know what I mean.

Well, in the typical fashion of the last owners, our mailbox is crap and hasn’t been cared for years. Not the brick structure, mind you, but the mailbox itself that’s set into the pillar. In fact, the neighbor girl that plays with my daughter told us the story of how her dad helped the old owners rebuild the brick structure after their kid hit it with the car. But what they appear to have done is cram a cheap plastic mailbox into this thing and then mortar around it so that the only way to remove the actrual mailbox and replace it is to start to deconstruct the entire brick pillar.

So that’s a pain in the ass waiting to happen, but it needs to because the door of the mailbox is flimsy and the flag doesn’t stay up and it’s just a shitty cheap mailbox.

But none of that has anything to do with the story other than establishing the scene.

When spring rolled around there was this wasp that would greet me everyday (and by greet I mean “try to sting me while menacingly posturing”) when I got the mail. He was trying to build a hive, but each day I’d knock it out. The next day he’d go nuts on me and I’d knock the tiny start of a hive off the inside-top of the mailbox. After a week or two he moved out. Slumlord 1. Tenants 0.

Not too long after that, I reached in to grab the mail and was greeted by a big hairy spider sitting on top of the mail. I pulled my arms in tight and cluched my fists just below my chin and stomped quickly while going, “Ewwwwwww!” like any good little girl would do. Then I grabbed my mail and shook him off onto the ground. This continued for just two or three days before he got the hint. Slumlord 2. Tenants 0.

So at the end of last week – Friday, I think. I noticed a couple of Earwigs scurrying about when I pull the mail from the box. I tried to use the mail to scoot them out, but really did a half-assed job and moved on. On Saturday, there were more and I did a little better at moving them out. Yesterday there were a bunch and I was grossed out and just let them be. Not a fan of Earwigs.

So today I’m bored and feeling froggy and I go out to check the mail and the fucking things are just swarming everywhere. I grabbed the mail and a bunch fell out. I tried to look in, but the bright sun and a dark mailbox just leaves me squinting like a tool into my mailbox. I grabbed a rag from the garage and started forcing them onto the ground from their deluxe apartment in the sky. After I got all I could see out, I bent down and squited in for a few moments and let my eyes adjust and saw a couple of masses of the bugs gathered in each of the back corners. My rag and sausage fingers weren’t getting the job done so I grabbed a stick and prodded into my mailbox exactly like a chimp uses a stick to get termites from their mound to eat. (I know you’ve seen the footage on Discovery or Animal Planet or somewhere)

I think I got them all, but they scurried all around and some might have been hiding along the top (the top inside of the mailbox has ridges for some reason). I suspect there’ll be even more tomorrow. I think I just need to get a new mailbox and rip the old one out and clean things up and spray all around and put it back together. Unfortunately, that’s gonna happen later than sooner. Until then, I look forward to my daily interaction with my unwanted tenants.